Written April 7, 2026
Tonight, the stress of balancing work and staying home with L hit me hard, and I took it out on Madison.
I want to stay home with my baby. Period. But our mortgage necessitates two incomes, so I’m working remotely three days a week. It’s the same job I had before L was born, just reduced hours.
Madison works full-time, but hybrid. On the days we both work, we trade off watching L throughout the day.
Some days, I watch the clock in anticipation of Madison’s next baby shift, and that makes me feel guilty.
I don’t want to “get through” my time with my son because I’m too burnt out to enjoy it.
I hate that I have to give any attention at all to a job. I hate even more that that job causes me immense stress because I can’t manage the workload on the days I work.
And all I keep thinking is, these days are fleeting. L is growing so fast. I don’t want to miss the little moments with him, or the big ones. I don’t want to waste a single minute more feeling stressed about work.
Every morning when I pick him up from his crib, I hug him and tell him I’m happy to see him. Because I am. He lights up my life. My current job dims it.
I want L to grow up witnessing a healthy relationship to work and career, not a toxic one.
Last week I had a check-in with my bosses about my new part-time work schedule, and I told them I felt guilty for asking them to accommodate me more than they already have.
What the heck? Where does this guilt come from? Why do I feel obligated to suffer in gratitude?
To my team’s credit, they told me to get rid of the guilt (easier said than done) and to propose solutions to my pain points. I recognize how much of a blessing it is to work for a company that wants to support me as a new mom and partner with me to make work sustainable, if possible.
But I feel guilty about that, too! (Seriously, fuck guilt!) I feel guilty that, even with a supportive team and an invitation to make my job work better for me, I still resent the time I have to spend away from L. I still want less face-time with coworkers and clients, and more flexibility during my work week.
I also feel guilty for having any complaints at all about a part-time remote job because I know it’s a rarity these days. My brain says, you’re asking for too much; you’re ungrateful; you don’t deserve the kindness or compassion your coworkers have shown you.
I never expected this, but I desire to be a stay-at-home mom.
And I want to live in a world where it’s possible for any mom or dad who wants to be a stay-at-home parent to do so without sacrificing their family’s livelihood.
(I also want to live in a world where it’s possible for every mom or dad who wants to pursue their career to do so without sacrificing the quality of care their child receives.)
I want to quit my job every day. I was this close to sending a frantic “I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE” resignation email tonight. The fear of not having an income next month is literally the only thing that stopped me.
I know our situation isn’t unique. Our dilemma isn’t special. And that’s partly why I wanted to write this post.
It’s OK to feel all these feelings and to not have the answers. We just can’t stay in these feelings forever.
I’m challenging myself tonight to love all the BIG-FEELING, worried and restless parts of myself. To believe there’s a way forward that satisfies our family’s need for income while also fulfilling my desire to stay home with L. To trust the Universe when the path isn’t yet clear to me.
Let’s just keep trying our best. And showing up.
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