Growing up, I always assumed I’d be married by the time I was 25. That’s how old my mom was when she got married, so that’s what I thought was “right.”
I was as single as a Pringle when I was 25, and so my dream of becoming a wife and starting a family in my twenties started to fade.
As it turns out, there’s no “right” age to get married or to start a family. Sigh. Add that to the list of things I wish I’d understood when I was younger. It would have spared me so many feelings of insecurity.
Alas, I learned this lesson late. I was 34 when my husband and I got married, 35 when we got pregnant with our son, and 36 when our son was born.
I’m now grateful that I didn’t get married when I was 25. And I’m equally as grateful that I didn’t become a mom until last year.
Pros of becoming a mom at 36
I wouldn’t say that becoming a mom in my mid-thirities was a choice. It’s just the way things worked out for me. But I now have a new perspective on marriage and motherhood that I couldn’t have acquired otherwise.
Self-confidence
The biggest pro of becoming a mom in my mid-thirties is that I’m more confident in myself as a woman than I was 10 years ago. I ditched social media (something I recommend we all do!), and I no longer waste energy comparing myself to anyone else. I know my strengths and my weaknesses. I trust my intuition.
Friends who’ve gone before me
It was somewhat bittersweet watching my friends becoming moms in our late twenties and early thirties. At times, I felt envious. I wondered whether or not I’d become a mom one day. But when my time arrived, it was helpful to have friends with toddlers. They weren’t too far removed from the pregnancy and newborn phases, but they’d successfully navigated the trenches of postpartum and were able to offer real advice and recommendations. They were also more than willing to lend a listening ear when I needed to vent, or to offer encouragement when I felt overwhelmed.
An established career
I spent most of my twenties trying to figure out what I was supposed to do with my life. I truly believed that I needed to find my calling, that my career had to be more than “just a job.” It was stressful, and I put way too much pressure on myself. While I’m sure some people are called to do what they do, I no longer subscribe to the belief that a person’s career is their purpose. I’m a communications strategist not because it’s my dream or because I was born to do it, but because my strengths align with the work and it pays the bills. At 37, I’m discovering a new passion for serving postpartum moms – something I never would have imagined for myself at 25.
Money
At 25, I was pursuing a master’s degree in education while working full-time as an intern teacher making a $1,000/month stipend and living in an old, cockroach-invaded apartment in Memphis. Not exactly the ideal financial (or physical, or mental) environment to become a mom. Honestly, there’s never an ideal time to have a baby, but that time, in particular, was definitely not conducive to bringing a new soul into the world. At 36, my husband and I had just bought our first home, and we were both earning enough money to comfortably welcome a baby into the mix.
Cons of becoming a mom at 36
The two cons of becoming a mom at 36 are biological and physiological — statistically, female fertility begins declining at age 35, and let’s be real, things just hurt more than they used to.
Fertility
In my opinion, the biggest con to becoming a mom in my mid-thirties is decreased fertility. My husband and I conceived our son within six months of trying, and I’m thankful for that! I had an unplanned C-section and was advised not to get pregnant again for at least 18 months, which will make me almost 38 when we try to get pregnant again. When you get pregnant in your mid- to late-twenties, you have a good decade+ to try and have a second, third, and fourth child (Godspeed to the mamas of four or more!). When you start a family in your mid- to late-thirties, you have less time to grow your family before your fertility begins to decline.
The physical toll
While not a huge deal, my body isn’t the same in my mid-thirties as it was in my mid-twenties. My joints hurt more than they used to. I have neck and back pain if I’m not intentional about my posture. Sleeping wrong can cause muscle cramps, ha! Pregnancy and postpartum recovery are incredibly taxing on the body no matter how old you are, but I have to imagine it’s ever-so-slightly easier to tolerate when you’re younger 🙂
Overall, 10/10 recommend
All things considered, I’d choose the path of becoming a mom in my mid-thirties again. Personally, I’m better equipped to be a good mom to my son now than I would have been 10 years ago. I’m in a more secure place financially and emotionally, and I have a village of friends and family members who I can turn to for advice and encouragement. Plus, my parents are both retired, so they have much more flexibility to visit and to bond with L than they would have 10 years ago. That’s a big deal to me!
My body likely suffers more during pregnancy and postpartum than it would have in my younger days, and our second child will be closer in age to L than he or she may have been if we’d started our family earlier, but that’s OK.
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