Like many women, I’ve struggled with body image throughout my life. Some seasons have been harder than others – college, for example, and in my mid-twenties when my total wellness plummeted during the time I was a classroom teacher. And then, of course, pregnancy.
I was grateful that, for most of my pregnancy, I felt confident in my body. I didn’t weigh myself on the scale at home and eventually stopped looking at the scale at the doctor’s office. I understood that my body was changing for a purpose.
But by month 9, I’d gained 40 pounds. My feet were so swollen that I couldn’t wear any shoes except Hey Dudes (with the backs folded down so that the shoes were slip-ons). I desperately wanted to feel “normal” again.
In preparation to become pregnant, I focused on building strength and stamina. I’d had hip surgery six months before we started trying to conceive, and I’d worked my way up to walking 2-3 miles a day by the time we saw that positive pregnancy test. I had a good rhythm of going to the gym 3-4 times per week.
I miss that version of myself, that weekly routine.
My body is different now. It’d be strange if it wasn’t! Pregnancy and childbirth are intense, and they push our bodies to the limit. But it’s not just the extra weight hanging around – it’s pain, and it’s limitations.
I’d missed walking so much during pregnancy that by 3 months postpartum I was walking 2-3 miles a day, reaching for a routine to help me feel a little bit more like myself. Achilles pain and a torn hip labrum have since benched me.
Just like that, my daily walks became weekly walks. Three miles became one mile, if I can bear it.
Now, I’m waiting for my health insurance to approve the same surgery I had in January 2024. I’m mentally preparing for recovery (four weeks on crutches without bending past a 90-degree angle, then three months of physical therapy). I’m struggling to stay optimistic about how long it’ll be before I can take daily walks or exercise at the gym again.
Last fall, I had hope. Hope that, while my body may never return to its pre-baby weight or dimensions, I’d regain my stamina and my strength. Today, I worry about muscle weakness and inflexibility and chronic joint pain. I wonder whether I’ll be able to keep up with my son as he learns to walk and run. I fear what a future pregnancy may do to an already weary body.
My husband encourages me to take everything one day at a time. To do what’s possible right now, but to respect my current limitations and avoid pushing myself too hard.
So, that’s what I’m trying to do.
If you don’t recognize the woman you see when you look in the mirror, you’re not alone. It’s OK to miss your pre-baby body.
But I don’t think we should dwell in our grief.
I may not be physically strong right now, but my mental and emotional strength is better now than it has been in quite some time (thanks to therapy and spirituality). I can’t take daily walks or lift heavy weights, but I can take weekly walks and carry my 20-lb son. Instead of focusing on the fear of an unknown future, I can choose to focus on the joy of my son’s sweet giggle or the way he nestles into my husband’s shoulder to snuggle.
Maybe we’re not meant to “bounce back” after pregnancy. Maybe we’re meant to be forever changed by the miracle of creating new life.
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